Dating service questionnaire

I hereby announce the launching of my internet dating service, temporarily named No Fatties. Here is a sample from the questionnaire that I'll be using in order to provide excellent matches and/or help the FBI profile serial killers. Leave your responses in the comments; I'll also accept write-in responses on any of the questions.

1.) I am...

• A man seeking women
• A man seeking men
• A woman seeking men
• A woman seeking women
• Whatever

2.) Which of these qualities are you most looking for in a partner?

• A lack of visible sores and lesions
• Yelling proficiency
• Low standards and/or self-esteem
• Progressive views on illicit sex acts

3.) Choose all options which apply to you.

• Desperate
• Lonely
• Ugly
• A hit at parties

4.) What's your idea of a perfect date?

• Attending a documentary about the plight of left-handed albino fishermen in the Philippines
• Listening to someone drunkenly complain about their exes
• A high speed chase across state lines
• Unfulfilling sexual encounter in a bar restroom stall

5.) Which best describes your political leanings?

• Centrist
• Conservative
• Liberal
• Team Edward

6.) If you were a book, what kind of book would you be?

• A ponderous and unreadable Russian novel
• A fast-paced blend of action, romance and wishful thinking
• A fantasy story about gay hobbits
• An issue of Ass Factory with the pages stuck together

Now, this is an ostensibly free service, but you will get no vaguely relevant matches unless you sign up for one of our Silver, Gold, or Irradiated Platinum memberships. But don't worry! Your satisfaction is guaranteed or I will pretend to feel badly when spending your money.

The operator of No fatties, hereafter referred to as Joshua Davis, Awesomesauce Esquire is in no way legally responsible for anything, anywhere. You snooze, you lose.