Dating service questionnaire

I hereby announce the launching of my internet dating service, temporarily named No Fatties. Here is a sample from the questionnaire that I'll be using in order to provide excellent matches and/or help the FBI profile serial killers. Leave your responses in the comments; I'll also accept write-in responses on any of the questions.

1.) I am...

• A man seeking women
• A man seeking men
• A woman seeking men
• A woman seeking women
• Whatever

2.) Which of these qualities are you most looking for in a partner?

• A lack of visible sores and lesions
• Yelling proficiency
• Low standards and/or self-esteem
• Progressive views on illicit sex acts

3.) Choose all options which apply to you.

• Desperate
• Lonely
• Ugly
• A hit at parties

4.) What's your idea of a perfect date?

• Attending a documentary about the plight of left-handed albino fishermen in the Philippines
• Listening to someone drunkenly complain about their exes
• A high speed chase across state lines
• Unfulfilling sexual encounter in a bar restroom stall

5.) Which best describes your political leanings?

• Centrist
• Conservative
• Liberal
• Team Edward

6.) If you were a book, what kind of book would you be?

• A ponderous and unreadable Russian novel
• A fast-paced blend of action, romance and wishful thinking
• A fantasy story about gay hobbits
• An issue of Ass Factory with the pages stuck together

Now, this is an ostensibly free service, but you will get no vaguely relevant matches unless you sign up for one of our Silver, Gold, or Irradiated Platinum memberships. But don't worry! Your satisfaction is guaranteed or I will pretend to feel badly when spending your money.

The operator of No fatties, hereafter referred to as Joshua Davis, Awesomesauce Esquire is in no way legally responsible for anything, anywhere. You snooze, you lose.

Scenes from a Multiverse (webcomic)

My newest webcomic find is Scenes from a Multiverse by Jonathan Rosenberg. The gimicky thing about this comic is that the author takes a weekly poll of the audience to choose the setting and characters of future strips.

Scenes is a science-fiction strip set in a "an ordinary, everyday multiverse." Each day's comic takes place in a different location, in any one of the many goofy parallel universes, and with different zany alien characters. A new comic appears each weekday and on Friday there is a poll on the best of that week. The next Friday's strip is then a continuation of the scene in the winning strip of the poll. A popular scene can then be continued for several weeks. The strip on the last three Fridays has been set in the Inner Science Rings, Branes of Curiosity. These strips have been following the trials of ScienceMaster Adler whose first appearance is found here. It looks like Adler's strip will win again this week so we'll see more of him next Friday.

It's fairly funny, if not completely hilarious, with the punchline in the mouse-over alt-text probably the funniest part of a strip in a laugh-out-loud way. However the settings themselves, which are completely new at least four days a week, are the most rewarding features of the strip. Besides providing a new style of artwork in each setting, they often have funny or interesting themes. The setting names are usually good gags, too, so don't neglect to find the locale in the gray bar above. Also, the artwork is pretty colorful and crisp and it's all rather professionally done. All in in all, I'd say this is definitely worth checking out.

Readings of "The Raven"

I'm a big fan of Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven. Like all great poetry, it is best to read aloud or listen to another reading aloud. I read it aloud myself quite often -- I've almost memorized it -- and I have on DVD the famous Halloween episode of The Simpsons, in which James Earl Jones does a partial reading. I was on the bus thinking about trying to find some other performances when I remembered in which century I lived and so popped out of my iPhone and opened up Youtube. Some of my findings are below:

• First we have a classic reading by Vincent Price. This clip is clearly from an old TV show and while the production values are pretty low and can elicit a few giggles, Price's delivery is, well, priceless.
• Next up we have the incomparable Christopher Walken. Walken could probably read the phone book out loud and it would be entertaining and, as expected, his performance in this clip is great. However, there is a musical accompaniment in the clip which, although often low and unobtrusive, sometimes becomes a distraction. There's one point in particular where electric guitars start to wail like a Slayer concert that I had to laugh out loud. I would much rather simply have Walken's reading. But I believe that this audio might actually be from Lou Reed's project (see below).
  
• You can't have a list of people talking without an appearance by James Earl Jones. This is a straight-up reading without any musical or video accompaniment. It is a good, deliberate reading with great cadence, but emotionally is somewhat flat. Anyway, a good listen.
• This is an interesting item by Lou Reed. It is not The Raven proper but a reworked version with mostly the same rhythm and many of the original passages, although often with different meaning in their new contexts. On Wikipedia I found that in 2003 Lou Reed released a 2-Disc set "consisted of songs written by Reed and spoken-word performances of reworked and rewritten texts of Edgar Allan Poe by the actors, set to electronic music composed by Reed." Presumably this clip, and maybe the Christopher Walken one, are from that album.

Well, that's enough for now. Tell me in the comments if you find any other good ones.

Activity, already.

Wow, I haven't posted in literally (figuratively) forever. I would like to say that I've been busy, but the worn out buttons on my PS2 controller testify otherwise, betraying me yet again. Et tu, Sony?

I suppose that when I feel like writing, I don't come here but rather just bang out a few trenchant observations (read: dick jokes) into one of my many, many open writing projects. These projects are open in the way the universe is, i.e. expanding forever with no foreseeable end.

At any rate, I'm making a July 4th resolution, or something, that I'll try to post here a bit more. So if you've recently arrived and the date stamp on this post is not significantly past the point where you would still drink identically date-stamped milk, then come back shortly. But if, on the other hand, the blog has turned sour just pour it down the sink and run hot water to get rid of the smell and extended metaphor.

As an activity to hold you over, I'm trying to come up with titles for my business card. So far, I have:

• Sophist
• Auto-clast
• Independent Filmgoer
• Freelance Napper
• Fact-ator
• High Wizard of the Sundered Realm
• Level 16 Nerd, neutral good
  

Some nifty things to do with the iPad

While generating much excitement, the new release from Apple has also elicited criticism in some circles for its limited functionally. We provide here a small set of new and distinct uses for the iPad:

• Acts as a regular iPod Touch for people with very fat fingers. Also for frost giants and Bigfoot, if he exists.
• Use it to check your email while your real computer boots up.
• Increase the speed at which you make purchases on iTunes.
• Can be used as a serving platter for pictures of food.
  
• Lord it over people who don't care.
• Comically hold to your ear and loudly say, "Can you hear me now?"
• Gotta have 'em all!
• Something to talk about incessantly in lieu of getting a real hobby.

Things I want to hear the Incredible Hulk roar in rage

It helps if you read the following out loud in a Hulk voice.

• Hulk divest!
• Girl make Hulk nervous!
• Hulk sleepy!
• Hulk make Jesus personal Lord and savior!
• Hulk stub toe!
• Opposing political view make Hulk mad!
• Hulk like kitten!
• Hulk unlikely poet!
• No one comment on Hulk LiveJournal!
• Hulk excellent speller!
• That make Hulk truculent!
  
• Hulk tweet!
• Hulk informed consumer!
• Hulk other car piece of shit too!
• Hulk tap that!
• Hulk skeptical of health care reform!
• Joke about pants not ripping make Hulk mad!
• Hulk have date! Meet online!